love

Borderline personality disorder

I hate myself for making mistakes.
I hate myself for hurting people.
I hate myself for having borderline personality/bipolar disorder.
I hate myself for being an attention seeker because of BPD.

Sometimes
I think it would be best to end my life
Right here!
Right now!
Pill bottle on the bedside table, song in my ears, note under my pillow
so that I can’t hurt anyone anymore.

I keep
fucking
hurting
people.

The people I care about.
The people I love, as much as I hate that word.

Lately
I feel like a trap.
I lie in wait.
I don’t want to hurt anyone, but
people step too close
and my jaws snap
and people are hurt badly.
Then someone resets me
and it starts all over again.

So don’t come near me.
Don’t get close to me.
Don’t get inside my head.
For God’s sake, don’t get near my heart.

Because I can hurt you.
And no matter how much I care
no matter how much I love you
no matter how much I don’t want to hurt you

In all likelihood
eventually
I will.
I hate myself for being manipulative because of BPD.
I hate myself for exaggerating things because of BPD.

Basically, I hate myself for having a disorder.

HeavenH

I didn’t want to tell you guys this, because it’s kind of super bad, but yeah. I have borderline personality disorder (BPD). I hate that I have it. I hate that it makes me hurt people. I hate that it makes me blow everything out of proportion. I hate that I can never see the grey area in anything.
I hate BPD more than I hate myself.And that means a LOT.

Days without my best friend

Not necessary that everyone has a best-friend!

People might have been blessed with beautiful people that they call as friends, but having a best-friend with whom you share everything, the outside and inside of you, and you when you don’t think to say ‘Yes, we are here for eternity’ is rare. There are people who think different, just like a thought, many heads, many minds, many minds and many thoughts.

Having a best-friend means you give all of yours to the same. You laugh, you cry, you fight, you misunderstand and then eventually you smile because you know that this friend of yours, no matter what, is there with you till the end and above. This friend has seen you in your best to the worst times smiling with you or crying with you.

Best friends just don’t tag themselves with this but they also mean it.

How could one’s life be without a best-friend? Miserable or pathetic or else empty? Trust me, I tell you its worst, it’s worthless or in better terms your life turns out to be lifeless! Can you imagine to live your life without your soul? I tried, and let me mention I failed. Yes, I failed! And, perhaps it was obvious and I must be a dumb who thought could make it somehow. My best-friend is my sister, my mother, my counselor, my partner, my caretaker, my confidant, let me make it simple, she’s my soul. A body might exist without a soul but in a form of a zombie, so lifeless, so empty! So what am I without my soul that is my best friend? A zombie.

I literally died 3 days without my best friend.

I want to say her something, I want to talk with her, okay!! I type it and then I realize that I can’t actually send it. I travel, I miss her, I eat, I miss her, I shop, I miss her, I laugh, I miss her, I cry, I miss her. I miss her in every single breath I take!

Now do you think it’s easy? Not a bit. It would drive me crazy, make me insane crying out loud and then I think I shouldn’t be crying because, she wouldn’t help me out. So helpless that you end up pitying yourself. I had to deal it on my own. I had to understand, I had to be practical. I am paying what i have done!  

One Moment

It was one moment to show love.
It was one moment to change a life.
It was one moment to impact someone.
It was one moment to give them hope for a better future.
It was one moment to make them smile.
It was one moment to encourage them.
It was one moment to hold their hand.
It was one moment to hold them.
It was one moment to give them memories of happiness.
It was one moment that they would never forget.
But it was that one moment,
You decided wasn’t worth it.

-mKalyan

One moment

Don’t miss an opportunity to pour love into someone’s life because you maybe the only person who will ever show them love again. I know in my case, I had a good friend who showed me love even when I didn’t deserve it. I miss her but she still gives me hope that someone will love me like that again. So just remember, if you get an opportunity to impact someone’s life. Take it. Trust me, you won’t regret it.

Life is…

Sometimes I wonder: what am I?
I look at the stars and feel very small;
just a tiny consciousness.
But if I were as tall as a planet,
I would still be short in comparison to the universe.

I see a person twice my size
and I feel weak and fragile.
But if I were strong and powerful,
I would still not be invincible.

I see a painting by the hand of a genius,
and I feel inexperienced and ignorant.
But if I were the greatest artist alive,
it would not make me love what I do any more or less.

I see blood, running from the wound of another,
and I feel a chilling fear from deep within.
But if I walked this earth with bravery,
it would not make things less dangerous.

I see a baby, innocent and naive,
and I feel cynical and jaded.
But if I saw through untainted eyes all my life,
it would not make the world a better place.

I see a raindrop, tear of the sky,
and I feel ugly and unsightly.
But if I were as beautiful as rain,
it would not make me crystal clear inside.

There are children with cancer,
mothers who lose their babies,
people who are worse off than dead.

I wonder if I am just lucky or if the world was cruel.
But even if the world was kind or if I were dying, too,
there would still be suffering.

I weep all night, I get nightmares,
I lose myself thinking of such things.
But even if I could right every wrong,
if I could run faster
or jump higher
or be stronger,
it would not make me better or happier.

With what I have, I’ll do what I like
and like what I do.
Life is good.

Life

-Mkalyan

How to love a girl who can’t love herself.

one.

When she cries herself to sleep
six out of seven nights a week you must
say nothing. You must simply take
her in your arms and kiss her gaunt,
pale cheeks and wait for her to
slumber at the sound of your heart.

two.

On the days where she wishes she
were part of the stars, tell her
no. Tell her that there are too many
lights in the sky and that just one
would be forgotten the moment you looked
away from it. Tell her that she is perfect
the way she is: completely human.

three.

Don’t let her think about the scars
that no one but her can see. If she
says “I think I’m broken” smile like you
know a secret and say, “No, you’re mending.”
But do not be the one to fix her – no, she
must be the one to do it herself, and you
merely are there to quietly encourage her.

four.

Read her poetry (even if you are
not a poet), the kind that uses
flowery words and compares girls to
the moon; the kind that you will
rewrite for her. Make her a warrior.
Make her a goddess with eyes like a
wolf’s and a smile like a tiger’s.

five.

Laugh with her the first thing in
the morning and the last thing before
you fall asleep. Tell her cheap puns
that you’ve been thinking of for weeks.
And when she smiles – the type of smile
that could bring you to your knees if
you aren’t careful – know that for the
moment, she’s yours. She is whole.

six.

Love her. Love her like a fish loves
the sea or a bird loves the sky. Love
her in the way that your heart feels like
it’s going to burst at any moment every
time it beats. Love her skin and the way
it feels against your own, soft and warm
and utterly flawless. Love her for the way
her voice trembles when she can’t keep it
together anymore and love her when she
holds onto you as if you were the only
thing that was keeping her alive.

seven.

Love her, because some days she just can’t do it herself.

love_by_lemontree4-d37v353

Hearts

Hearts

Hearts are canvases
Strangers will paint

I thought I’d base this one off how people tend to shape who we are and can change us at any given time depending on their actions, but also while remembering that the people we’re so close to and changed us were once strangers too.

Two Years Later

She asked him gently, “Do you love me?”
In his long silence, she found closure,
And left her love under a willow tree.

love_at_first_sight_by_midnightsun121-d4snanl

Sometimes, it is the simple questions that give us the answers that are most difficult to bear.

Let your burden go.

You deserve better.
 
I found better in K. But it took a lot of hurt before I could be happy with him again. I am blessed to have someone like K to have made it easy.