Feelings

Borderline personality disorder

I hate myself for making mistakes.
I hate myself for hurting people.
I hate myself for having borderline personality/bipolar disorder.
I hate myself for being an attention seeker because of BPD.

Sometimes
I think it would be best to end my life
Right here!
Right now!
Pill bottle on the bedside table, song in my ears, note under my pillow
so that I can’t hurt anyone anymore.

I keep
fucking
hurting
people.

The people I care about.
The people I love, as much as I hate that word.

Lately
I feel like a trap.
I lie in wait.
I don’t want to hurt anyone, but
people step too close
and my jaws snap
and people are hurt badly.
Then someone resets me
and it starts all over again.

So don’t come near me.
Don’t get close to me.
Don’t get inside my head.
For God’s sake, don’t get near my heart.

Because I can hurt you.
And no matter how much I care
no matter how much I love you
no matter how much I don’t want to hurt you

In all likelihood
eventually
I will.
I hate myself for being manipulative because of BPD.
I hate myself for exaggerating things because of BPD.

Basically, I hate myself for having a disorder.

HeavenH

I didn’t want to tell you guys this, because it’s kind of super bad, but yeah. I have borderline personality disorder (BPD). I hate that I have it. I hate that it makes me hurt people. I hate that it makes me blow everything out of proportion. I hate that I can never see the grey area in anything.
I hate BPD more than I hate myself.And that means a LOT.

Advertisements

Days without my best friend

Not necessary that everyone has a best-friend!

People might have been blessed with beautiful people that they call as friends, but having a best-friend with whom you share everything, the outside and inside of you, and you when you don’t think to say ‘Yes, we are here for eternity’ is rare. There are people who think different, just like a thought, many heads, many minds, many minds and many thoughts.

Having a best-friend means you give all of yours to the same. You laugh, you cry, you fight, you misunderstand and then eventually you smile because you know that this friend of yours, no matter what, is there with you till the end and above. This friend has seen you in your best to the worst times smiling with you or crying with you.

Best friends just don’t tag themselves with this but they also mean it.

How could one’s life be without a best-friend? Miserable or pathetic or else empty? Trust me, I tell you its worst, it’s worthless or in better terms your life turns out to be lifeless! Can you imagine to live your life without your soul? I tried, and let me mention I failed. Yes, I failed! And, perhaps it was obvious and I must be a dumb who thought could make it somehow. My best-friend is my sister, my mother, my counselor, my partner, my caretaker, my confidant, let me make it simple, she’s my soul. A body might exist without a soul but in a form of a zombie, so lifeless, so empty! So what am I without my soul that is my best friend? A zombie.

I literally died 3 days without my best friend.

I want to say her something, I want to talk with her, okay!! I type it and then I realize that I can’t actually send it. I travel, I miss her, I eat, I miss her, I shop, I miss her, I laugh, I miss her, I cry, I miss her. I miss her in every single breath I take!

Now do you think it’s easy? Not a bit. It would drive me crazy, make me insane crying out loud and then I think I shouldn’t be crying because, she wouldn’t help me out. So helpless that you end up pitying yourself. I had to deal it on my own. I had to understand, I had to be practical. I am paying what i have done!  

To cold

On frozen nights when it is too cold to bleed,that is the time I am too afraid to dream.
Tears flowing in streams until I can’t breathe.
that is what I do best sometimes.
But how the stars shine that is when it speaks to me
I find myself wanting to know everything about it.
The voices in my head dwindle
They get louder and louder to were my ears bleed
I try and cover my ears but they are too loud to ignore
In the end though, I cowardly retreat.
Because I know they
Are to strong
Even for me….

frozen_wind_by_sh4de_pl-d35i19e

-Mkalyan

Two Years Later

She asked him gently, “Do you love me?”
In his long silence, she found closure,
And left her love under a willow tree.

love_at_first_sight_by_midnightsun121-d4snanl

Sometimes, it is the simple questions that give us the answers that are most difficult to bear.

Let your burden go.

You deserve better.
 
I found better in K. But it took a lot of hurt before I could be happy with him again. I am blessed to have someone like K to have made it easy.

Words

Words maybe strong and have a lot of meanings…. but as long as I know what’s true about me

Words don’t hurt me

If you cross the line, then I will payback in kind to your harsh words

I know what’s true, I know what’s a lie

I know who I am

No matter what you say

Words will never hurt me

You lie through your teeth just to hurt someone else

Did someone stab you with harsh words?

No need to do the same to someone

Try using kind words

Words have a lot of meaning

If you us the right ones

Then no one will have the need for harsh and painful words

Words_by_with_accusing_eyes

Love

It’ll make you hesitate and stutter,
For you’ll want to run for cover,
Unsure of what to say,
Your confidence will disobey,
But in your heart, you know it’s true,
Beating in lust, not in blue,
The being you wish to possess, your very desire,
But you must calm, and not perspire,
Because its a beautiful thing, a wonderful sensation,
A gift from life, your heart’s temptation.

Pieces_of_a_Dream_by_VeLisLaVaa

-Mkalyan

Being alone

Everyone feels alone at some point in their life, whether they want to admit it or not. It feels hollow but painful. The feeling comes from the same place as happiness and sadness, but why does being alone feel this way?

Losing_a_mind_by_dholl

It’s because the pain from being sad makes itself present, and the happiness that you had felt re-emerges from the slumber it was in. You can be the happiest person you know and feel completely alone…or you can be the saddest and be alone, either way, from happiness to sadness, everyone feels that dark, aching pain that they can’t explain. “Why does it hurt? Why does it feel like that? Why do I feel this way?” are questions you ask yourself when you feel the deep feeling in your chest.

When you are alone, you think of your mistakes, and you see them being worse than they were; and you feel worse than you did the first time. I know that. I have relived my past mistakes over and over and I regretted every moment. But I can’t change it. I have to live with the facts that I was angry, depressed, short-tempered and alone. People tried to reach out to me, but I ended up pushing them away, at least I think I did…

But this isn’t about me, it’s about all of the people who feel alone and distanced from the world.

But, those people. You, please, I know the feeling will make you cry, I know you will feel yourself crumbling slowly, but don’t hurt yourself for it. People will come to help you. That one person who asks how you are that one day, he/she probably knows your pain and wants to help you. You are never alone. Teachers, your parents, whether they seem to never care or not, your classmates, they care. I have felt like I had friends ever since I went into high school. And I could never ask for better friends. I will be your friend. I want to help people who feel the same pain as I have had to for the 17 years of being alive.

So, please. If you feel this feeling of being completely alone, and you don’t know where to go, just know that being alone may be a safe place, but it also can be the most painful one of all.

life is a blank canvas

life is a blank canvas ready to be painted. by us.
do what you want. be who you want.
don’t be lowered by anything or anyone.
paint that canvas all different colors.
red. blue. green.
create your masterpiece that is your life.

my_face_is_my_canvas_by_laurengibson-d4hg9gr

-Mkalyan