Month: March 2015

Borderline personality disorder

I hate myself for making mistakes.
I hate myself for hurting people.
I hate myself for having borderline personality/bipolar disorder.
I hate myself for being an attention seeker because of BPD.

Sometimes
I think it would be best to end my life
Right here!
Right now!
Pill bottle on the bedside table, song in my ears, note under my pillow
so that I can’t hurt anyone anymore.

I keep
fucking
hurting
people.

The people I care about.
The people I love, as much as I hate that word.

Lately
I feel like a trap.
I lie in wait.
I don’t want to hurt anyone, but
people step too close
and my jaws snap
and people are hurt badly.
Then someone resets me
and it starts all over again.

So don’t come near me.
Don’t get close to me.
Don’t get inside my head.
For God’s sake, don’t get near my heart.

Because I can hurt you.
And no matter how much I care
no matter how much I love you
no matter how much I don’t want to hurt you

In all likelihood
eventually
I will.
I hate myself for being manipulative because of BPD.
I hate myself for exaggerating things because of BPD.

Basically, I hate myself for having a disorder.

HeavenH

I didn’t want to tell you guys this, because it’s kind of super bad, but yeah. I have borderline personality disorder (BPD). I hate that I have it. I hate that it makes me hurt people. I hate that it makes me blow everything out of proportion. I hate that I can never see the grey area in anything.
I hate BPD more than I hate myself.And that means a LOT.

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Days without my best friend

Not necessary that everyone has a best-friend!

People might have been blessed with beautiful people that they call as friends, but having a best-friend with whom you share everything, the outside and inside of you, and you when you don’t think to say ‘Yes, we are here for eternity’ is rare. There are people who think different, just like a thought, many heads, many minds, many minds and many thoughts.

Having a best-friend means you give all of yours to the same. You laugh, you cry, you fight, you misunderstand and then eventually you smile because you know that this friend of yours, no matter what, is there with you till the end and above. This friend has seen you in your best to the worst times smiling with you or crying with you.

Best friends just don’t tag themselves with this but they also mean it.

How could one’s life be without a best-friend? Miserable or pathetic or else empty? Trust me, I tell you its worst, it’s worthless or in better terms your life turns out to be lifeless! Can you imagine to live your life without your soul? I tried, and let me mention I failed. Yes, I failed! And, perhaps it was obvious and I must be a dumb who thought could make it somehow. My best-friend is my sister, my mother, my counselor, my partner, my caretaker, my confidant, let me make it simple, she’s my soul. A body might exist without a soul but in a form of a zombie, so lifeless, so empty! So what am I without my soul that is my best friend? A zombie.

I literally died 3 days without my best friend.

I want to say her something, I want to talk with her, okay!! I type it and then I realize that I can’t actually send it. I travel, I miss her, I eat, I miss her, I shop, I miss her, I laugh, I miss her, I cry, I miss her. I miss her in every single breath I take!

Now do you think it’s easy? Not a bit. It would drive me crazy, make me insane crying out loud and then I think I shouldn’t be crying because, she wouldn’t help me out. So helpless that you end up pitying yourself. I had to deal it on my own. I had to understand, I had to be practical. I am paying what i have done!