Borderline personality disorder

I hate myself for making mistakes.
I hate myself for hurting people.
I hate myself for having borderline personality/bipolar disorder.
I hate myself for being an attention seeker because of BPD.

Sometimes
I think it would be best to end my life
Right here!
Right now!
Pill bottle on the bedside table, song in my ears, note under my pillow
so that I can’t hurt anyone anymore.

I keep
fucking
hurting
people.

The people I care about.
The people I love, as much as I hate that word.

Lately
I feel like a trap.
I lie in wait.
I don’t want to hurt anyone, but
people step too close
and my jaws snap
and people are hurt badly.
Then someone resets me
and it starts all over again.

So don’t come near me.
Don’t get close to me.
Don’t get inside my head.
For God’s sake, don’t get near my heart.

Because I can hurt you.
And no matter how much I care
no matter how much I love you
no matter how much I don’t want to hurt you

In all likelihood
eventually
I will.
I hate myself for being manipulative because of BPD.
I hate myself for exaggerating things because of BPD.

Basically, I hate myself for having a disorder.

HeavenH

I didn’t want to tell you guys this, because it’s kind of super bad, but yeah. I have borderline personality disorder (BPD). I hate that I have it. I hate that it makes me hurt people. I hate that it makes me blow everything out of proportion. I hate that I can never see the grey area in anything.
I hate BPD more than I hate myself.And that means a LOT.

Days without my best friend

Not necessary that everyone has a best-friend!

People might have been blessed with beautiful people that they call as friends, but having a best-friend with whom you share everything, the outside and inside of you, and you when you don’t think to say ‘Yes, we are here for eternity’ is rare. There are people who think different, just like a thought, many heads, many minds, many minds and many thoughts.

Having a best-friend means you give all of yours to the same. You laugh, you cry, you fight, you misunderstand and then eventually you smile because you know that this friend of yours, no matter what, is there with you till the end and above. This friend has seen you in your best to the worst times smiling with you or crying with you.

Best friends just don’t tag themselves with this but they also mean it.

How could one’s life be without a best-friend? Miserable or pathetic or else empty? Trust me, I tell you its worst, it’s worthless or in better terms your life turns out to be lifeless! Can you imagine to live your life without your soul? I tried, and let me mention I failed. Yes, I failed! And, perhaps it was obvious and I must be a dumb who thought could make it somehow. My best-friend is my sister, my mother, my counselor, my partner, my caretaker, my confidant, let me make it simple, she’s my soul. A body might exist without a soul but in a form of a zombie, so lifeless, so empty! So what am I without my soul that is my best friend? A zombie.

I literally died 3 days without my best friend.

I want to say her something, I want to talk with her, okay!! I type it and then I realize that I can’t actually send it. I travel, I miss her, I eat, I miss her, I shop, I miss her, I laugh, I miss her, I cry, I miss her. I miss her in every single breath I take!

Now do you think it’s easy? Not a bit. It would drive me crazy, make me insane crying out loud and then I think I shouldn’t be crying because, she wouldn’t help me out. So helpless that you end up pitying yourself. I had to deal it on my own. I had to understand, I had to be practical. I am paying what i have done!  

Happy 2015, year of Travel!

Hey guys, if you’re reading this you’ve found my blog. Cool as! For those who know me, you know about a month ago I bought a two way ticket to Malaysia and Philippines. If you don’t know me you know this now. The idea was a bit of a whynot moment and originally I was meant to leave in June. I thought 6 months would be a good amount of time to gather some funds around me. Next thing I know, i’m staring at my receipt for a ticket departing in January to Malaysia and April to Manila, Philippines . Out the window went the saving plans. Savings? Ain’t nobody got time for that. At this stage I’m a backpacker, I have no plan and a strict budget. The vague idea is to backpack through Malaysia and then onwards through India,Nepal and Manila. Make some friends, learn some languages and maybe work. I don’t know when I’ll come home. Maybe I’ll find a new home.

Coming Jan 1 2015 My life and I will quite literally be up in the air. Some days I wish I was leaving tomorrow and other days I am actually drowning in the overwhelmingly large ocean known as “what the f**k am I doing”. I’ve started this blog cause well I like to write and why not? I can kept track of my ideas and plans. I can make sure I remember the things that help me travel easier- and the things that don’t. I’ll also without a doubt be writing down my travel adventures as they unravel out in front of me, making you green with envy at the new places I find and the beautiful humans I meet. So can’t wait! Blogging also is an easy way for me to keep you in the loop with my movements. God knows I am bad enough at keeping in touch with my friends who live in the same city as me!

So, it’s the last month of 2014. I’ve allowed myself a month to fantasize about all my travelling possibilities, to stare at maps and stay up until 1 am reading travel blogs. One month away from D-DAY and shit has to get real. That means I need some form of a plan. At least for that first week in the unknown! There is no way in hell things to go well with me landing in Malaysia with no bed, no idea where I am and no language skills whatsoever.

This is my list for first quarter of 2015, the start of my travel prep, and this month I’ll be blogging about how good I am at getting all this shit done.

First quarter of 2015

January – Malaysia (Voluntary Work/Travel/New year)
February – Lucknow and Delhi (Wedding Shoot/Travel)
March – Nepal (Voluntary Work/Travel)
April, May – Philippines (Voluntary Work/Travel/Future plans)

Travel Preparation

Buy a backpack. Cos you can’t go backpacking without one.
Find a work – random voluntary work in the above mentioned countries through YGIP
Travel Insurance. Just writing those word makes me want to run away.
Draft up a Rough itinerary for the first two weeks in Malaysia.

If I can get through this by the end of the month I’m going to be so impressed I will be going to party.

My Travel Blog Wandering Mak

Poor Lamb got cooked

After watching Dawat-E-Ishq movie was craving for asli Hyderabadi food. Last night me and my friend Syed Basith made it to Sarvi. Tasted Mutton Biryani add-on Double Masala and Hyderabadi Classic dish Pathar Ka Gosht (Meat Cooked on Stone) followed by Falooda and Spl Lassi. Was a really good time with Basith talked about childhood pranks and sharing travel experiences. It was a pleasure to meet my school friend after a long time.

Please like the page for more info

https://www.facebook.com/wanderingmak

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Pathar ka ghost

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Falooda and Lassi

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Mutton Biryani

One Moment

It was one moment to show love.
It was one moment to change a life.
It was one moment to impact someone.
It was one moment to give them hope for a better future.
It was one moment to make them smile.
It was one moment to encourage them.
It was one moment to hold their hand.
It was one moment to hold them.
It was one moment to give them memories of happiness.
It was one moment that they would never forget.
But it was that one moment,
You decided wasn’t worth it.

-mKalyan

One moment

Don’t miss an opportunity to pour love into someone’s life because you maybe the only person who will ever show them love again. I know in my case, I had a good friend who showed me love even when I didn’t deserve it. I miss her but she still gives me hope that someone will love me like that again. So just remember, if you get an opportunity to impact someone’s life. Take it. Trust me, you won’t regret it.

My Bucketlist- Whale shark dive

Whale shark dive, Cebu, Philippines.
I cannot imagine myself doing that.. I don’t know. I was some kind of a scared even to swim with dolphins,Japan. And these are Sharks.. no matter what they eat. I’m not sure if I could do that, even though it looks awesome!!! Probably I would just need a good and long preparation for it. An experience that you can’t never forget. More 6 months to go!!!

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The Food of The Kingdom of Bhutan

Bhutan has many many lovely sceneries… from the stunning views of the Himalayas to the gho or Kira-clad Bhutanese going about their daily business, to the monks and mini-monks, and the quaint architecture of their Dzongs and temples. Food was the least of my concerns while I was there.

Vegetarians would likely not complain. Most dishes are non-meat. There isn’t also a good source of seafood outside of those brought in from India. Landlocked, there isn’t much variety in local ingredients. For the whole week I was there, I ate a lot of potatoes, vegetable dumplings and yak meat. All that accompanied by mountain rice and lots of chilies. So if you like all that carbo plus the spicy chili peppers, you won’t have any reason to complain. I guess.

Chilies are a regular ingredient in many dishes in Bhutan, so it’s not surprising that the national food, ema datshi, involves a heavy dose of chilies.

Ema datshi is a curry made of chili and cheese – ema locally means chili, and datshi means cheese – and is eaten almost daily. It is very easy to prepare; cooking time usually takes just around ten minutes. It also requires simple ingredients, such as tomatoes and onions.

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Momos are those dumplings much like their Chinese counterparts in appearance. The fillings differ though. The Bhutanese version has vegetables and cheese, accompanied by chili dip. Then someone told me that there was Ema Datshi on the table. I’ve read about this spicy “chili con queso” and hoped it’s asking to my favorite dish of chili relleno. Seems like this is the national dish of Bhutan, the way the locals talked about it. I didn’t waste time trying it, and then……felt I actually turned red — perhaps with nostrils flaring, smoke coming out — after just a spoonful. So. Don’t tell me you were not warned! As they say in Bhutan, “If it doesn’t make you sweat, why bother to eat it?”

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On cheese, do remember that Bhutanese love their cheese made from milk from cows, goats or yaks. It is not your typical cheese though. But you’d find them in many dishes. Also, most hotels and dining places serve food buffet style. There would be a variety of choices , for sure. While there, I never hesitated trying the noodle dishes, the leafy green vegetables which looked like they were simply boiled and the potatoes which came in a variety of preparations! Best Bhutanese meal was in a place in Chimi Lakhang in the middle of paddy fields, seated by a window with a perfect view of farmers harvesting their rice. I’m telling you, the scenery certainly ranks higher in importance, regardless of what’s on your plate.
Dishes which I tried in my trip
Yak Burger
yak burger and fries -- not bad!
Tibetan Momos : Chicken Momos
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Spinach Momos
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Yak  Fried Stuffed Momos
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Fried Momos
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Veggie momo
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Tibetan Samosa
Yak Burger
Tibetan Bread – Pun
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Naan with Mutton curry
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Szechuan Mala Rice Noodles served with roasted peanuts
Szechuan Mala Rice Noodles
Cheesy pun for breakfast
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Tibetan thali with chicken
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Tibetan pun with spicy potato
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Thukpa
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Yak Chese Sandwhich
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carrot cake, with vanilla-caramel ribbon ice-cream, topped with a heavenly sliver of honey comb. Sin never tasted this good!
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Traveling to Bhutan

I have been quite silent in my blog for sometime now. There are lot of things happening around (more details soon) and one of them was that I was planning for a trip to Bhutan and Kolkata.

Initially I thought of doing simple trip, like my last trips but then decided to not to. I Will post more details about the trip, with photos once I am back.

I will be back by mid of this October and till then my phone will be switched off and if you send me an email you will get a response only after I am back.

And regarding the good news, you might have to wait till I am back ;)

taktshang_monastery__bhutan_by_mesuvias-d35dz00-Recovered

Samosa Stuffed Baked Potatoes

Samosa

India’s popular snack that finds a place in almost every bakery or chaat shop – our very own Samosa. Savory comfort food at its best, a crisp exterior filled with a savory potato stuffing that goes very well over a hot cup of chai especially on a rain filled, cold day. Samosa is always store bought and on rare occasions prepared at home, like today.

Ingredients:

1 cup maida (all-purpose flour)

2 tbsp oil

large pinch ajwain (optional)

enough water to knead the maida

salt to taste

oil for deep frying

For the filling:

2 boiled potatoes, crumble

1/4 cup boiled peas

1/4 tsp grated ginger

1 tsp red chilli pwd

1/2 tsp coriander pwd

pinch cumin pwd

pinch kasuri methi

dash of lemon juice

pinch of garam masala

chopped coriander leaves

salt to taste

Mix the maida with salt, oil, ghee and ajwain, combine to form a crumbly mixture. Now slowly add enough water to make a pliable dough, not too soft. Divide the dough and shape into balls. Keep aside covered with moist cloth for 15-20 mts.

Meanwhile, heat a vessel, add oil, add cumin seeds and allow to brown. Add the ginger, spice powders and a tbsp of water and saute for a few secs. Add the crumbled potato and boiled peas and cook over medium flame for a few minutes, approx 3-4 mts. Add kasuri methi and lemon juice, combine. Add the coriander leaves and turn off heat.
Now that the stuffing is ready, prepare the outer layer for the samosas.

Roll each ball with the rolling pin into a slightly thin puri, slightly elongated in shape as shown in the image. Take a knife and divide the rolled puri into two by cutting through the center.

Now take a semi-circle piece of the roti, and make a fold in the shape of a triangle as shown in the image. Seal along the fold. Now place this cone between your thumb and index finger and place a ball of the stuffing inside. Wet your finger and run it along the edges of the dough with water and seal to enclose the stuffing.
Press the ends firmly so that the filling does not come out during the deep frying process. Prepare with the rest of the dough in the same manner.

Heat enough oil in a wide vessel to deep fry the samosas. Heat the oil till hot but not piping hot. Reduce flame to low medium and drop 2-3 samosas into the oil slowly and deep fry them till golden brown, turning them carefully to the other side so that it cooks on all sides. Deep fry on low to medium heat and not piping hot oil.

 Note

Its better to make samosas in batches. Roll out, stuff and deep fry 3-4 samosas at a time (batch-wise). While preparing the next batch of samosas, reduce the stove flame and carry out the process. When deep frying the next batch, see that the oil is hot enough to deep fry. Keep the prepared samosas covered through out the preparation process.